Growing Up in Public: Puberty, Body Image And Self-Consciousness

There is something strange about growing up. Your body is yours, but suddenly everybody seems to have something to say about it.

“You getting tall!”

“Look how you filling out.”

“You getting breast now.”

“Your voice changing!”

“You getting fat.”

“You getting skinny.”

“Look how you getting handsome.”

Sometimes the comments are affectionate. Sometimes they are jokes. Sometimes the person speaking probably hasn't thought twice about what they are saying. But when you are eleven, twelve or thirteen and your body has started doing things you don't entirely understand yourself, having everyone else notice can feel like growing up in public.

Then you walk into secondary school, where hundreds of other young people are going through their own versions of exactly the same thing.

Some have already changed dramatically. Some haven't started yet. Some desperately want their bodies to hurry up. Others wish theirs would slow down. And almost everybody, at some point, wonders: Is what is happening to me normal?

Puberty Doesn't Follow the School Timetable

Your school timetable tells you exactly when English begins and Mathematics ends. Puberty is considerably less organised. There isn't one age when everyone's body begins changing, and people don't experience those changes in the same order or at the same speed.

One boy's voice may become deeper while another still sounds exactly as he did in primary school. One girl may already have breasts and periods while her friend hasn't experienced either. Someone may suddenly grow several centimetres while someone else remains one of the shortest people in the class. Hair may begin growing in new places. Skin may become oilier and acne may appear. You may sweat more and notice body odour. Your body shape or weight may change. Girls may begin menstruating and experiencing vaginal discharge. Boys may experience erections and wet dreams. Your emotions may sometimes feel stronger or less predictable too.

All of these changes can make you very aware of your body. And when yours seems different from everyone else's, it is easy to assume something is wrong.

Usually, different simply means different.

Bodies develop at different rates. If there is a change you are worried about, something hurts, you have questions about what is happening or you simply aren't sure whether something is normal, talk to a parent, caregiver, doctor, nurse or another trusted adult.

You aren't supposed to know everything about puberty simply because it has started happening to you.

Being First Can Be Awkward. So Can Being Last.

Sometimes we imagine that the young person developing fastest must feel confident. Not necessarily.

Being the first girl in your class to develop breasts can mean suddenly becoming conscious of how your uniform fits. Getting your period before your friends may leave you wondering who you can talk to. Being much taller than everyone else can make you feel as though you are impossible not to notice. A boy whose voice changes early may receive constant comments about it. Facial hair can attract attention before he has decided how he feels about having it.

But developing later can bring its own worries.

You may wonder why everybody else seems to be changing except you. You might be teased for being small, flat-chested, having a higher voice, looking younger or not having the body other people think you should have by now.

Puberty can turn development into an imaginary race. It isn't one. There is no prize for getting there first, and developing later does not mean you are being left behind.

Your body has its own timeline.

When Everybody Has an Opinion About Your Body

In Caribbean families and communities, commenting on someone's appearance can almost feel like a greeting.

You haven't seen somebody in six months and before “How are you?” comes:

“Look how you get big!”

“You put on weight!”

“You lose weight!”

“You growing into a nice young lady.”

“Boy, look how you getting broad!”

Adults may mean absolutely no harm. But young people are already becoming more aware of their bodies during puberty, and repeated comments can make them feel as though everyone is examining them.

You are allowed to feel uncomfortable with attention to your body even when the person commenting thinks they are complimenting you. And adults can help by remembering that a child's changing body does not need to become family conversation.

There are many ways to greet, encourage and celebrate a young person without evaluating their size, shape, skin, breasts, height, muscles or development.

Your Body Is Not a Joke

Secondary school can be brutal about difference.

Someone develops breasts and gets teased. Someone doesn't and gets teased. A boy's voice cracks and everybody laughs. Someone has acne. Someone sweats heavily. Someone's period leaks through their uniform. Someone gains weight. Someone is very thin. Someone is taller or shorter than everyone else. Sometimes the person making the joke considers it harmless. That doesn't mean it feels harmless to the person receiving it.

And there is another side to this.

You may be self-conscious about your own body, but the people around you are navigating changing bodies too. Don't turn someone else's puberty into entertainment. You don't know which feature they already stand in front of the mirror wishing they could change.

Hygiene Is Something You Learn Too

As your body changes, the way you care for it may need to change.

You may need to shower more regularly, use deodorant, wash your face differently, change sanitary products during the day, wash your hair more or less frequently depending on your hair and scalp, change sweaty clothes and pay more attention to oral hygiene.

Nobody is born knowing how to manage all of this.

Parents and caregivers, this is an area where kindness matters. A child who develops body odour doesn't need humiliation. They need deodorant and guidance. A child whose period leaks doesn't need shame. They need help cleaning up, a change of clothing or sanitary product and reassurance that accidents happen. A teenager with acne doesn't need constant reminders that their face is breaking out. Trust me. They have noticed.

Teach hygiene as a normal part of caring for a changing body, not evidence that there is something disgusting about it.

Your Body May Start Feeling More Private

As children move into adolescence, many become more conscious of privacy.

You may no longer want someone walking into the bathroom while you're changing. You might want to close your bedroom door. You may feel embarrassed discussing periods, erections, breasts, body hair or other changes with people you previously told everything. Wanting more privacy doesn't necessarily mean you are hiding something. It can be part of growing up.

You are also likely to become more curious about your body. You may notice new physical sensations, attraction or sexual feelings. You may touch or explore your own body, including masturbation. Curiosity about your changing body can be a normal part of puberty. You still need to understand privacy, appropriate behaviour and boundaries, but you do not need to be taught that your body itself is shameful.

Parents and caregivers, your reaction matters here too.

Children need accurate, age-appropriate information and somewhere safe to ask awkward questions. If every question is met with panic, punishment, ridicule or shame, they may stop asking you.

The questions won't necessarily disappear. They may simply take them somewhere else.

Your Changing Body Still Belongs to You

Growing up may change how people notice you. It does not change your right to boundaries.

Nobody has the right to touch your body in a way that makes you uncomfortable, ask to see private parts of your body, show you sexual images or videos, ask you to send photographs of yourself, make sexual comments to you or pressure you to keep uncomfortable behaviour secret.

And it matters that you understand this:

The rules do not change because you know the person.

It could be another student, an older teenager, teacher, coach, neighbour, family friend, relative or someone your family knows and trusts.

If someone behaves towards you in a way that feels inappropriate, confusing, frightening or uncomfortable, tell an adult you trust.

You are allowed to speak up even if the person says it was a joke. Even if they say you misunderstood. Even if they tell you nobody will believe you. Even if they ask you to keep it secret. Even if you care about them. Even if other people care about them. And if the first adult doesn't listen or help, tell another one. Keep telling until someone does.

You do not have to decide whether something was “bad enough” before asking for help.

Social Media Gives You Thousands of Bodies to Compare Yours To

Previous generations compared themselves with classmates, celebrities and people in magazines. You can now carry thousands of people around in your pocket.

Scroll for five minutes and you can see perfectly clear skin, defined muscles, tiny waists, curves in exactly the “right” places, flawless hair and people your age who somehow seem much older, more attractive and more confident than you feel.

But what you see isn't always what exists.

Lighting changes appearances. Angles change appearances. Poses change appearances. Filters change appearances. Editing changes appearances. And even when an image hasn't been altered, you are still seeing one carefully selected moment.

Try not to use someone else's photograph as a measuring stick for your everyday body. Your body is not failing because it doesn't look like somebody's best angle.

You Don't Have to Look Grown Before You Are Grown

Puberty can create another strange pressure.

Once your body begins looking older, people may start expecting you to behave older.

And social media can make “looking grown” seem like something you should hurry towards.

You don't have to.

Having a body that is developing doesn't mean you are emotionally ready for adult attention, relationships or experiences.

Looking older doesn't make you older. And looking younger than your friends doesn't mean you need to catch up. There is no deadline for becoming comfortable with who you are.

Body Image Is More Than Whether You Like What You See

Body image is often discussed as though the goal is to look in the mirror every morning and love absolutely everything. That may not be realistic.

There will probably be days when you don't like your hair. Days when your skin frustrates you. Days when your clothes don't sit the way you want. Days when you wish some part of your body looked different. A healthier relationship with your body doesn't require thinking you are beautiful every second. It can begin with something simpler: Respecting the body you have while it is still becoming.

Your legs carry you. Your lungs breathe. Your hands create. Your brain learns. Your heart keeps beating without waiting for you to approve of your reflection. Your body is more than something for other people to look at.

Parents and Caregivers: Don't Turn Puberty Into Shame

Puberty can be uncomfortable for adults too.

Your little child is changing. Their body looks different. They want more privacy. They may begin showing interest in relationships or asking questions you aren't ready to answer. Sometimes adults respond by teasing, becoming overly strict or by refusing to discuss certain subjects at all. Sometimes cultural or religious beliefs influence how families talk about bodies, sexuality, modesty and growing up. Families will approach these conversations differently, and values matter. But whatever your family's beliefs, shame does not have to be the teaching method.

Periods aren't dirty. Erections aren't evidence that a boy is behaving badly. Developing breasts aren't an invitation to police a girl's body. Body hair isn't something to ridicule. Acne isn't laziness or unhygienic. Curiosity about the body doesn't automatically mean sexual activity. And hygiene can be taught without humiliation.

Your child needs boundaries, guidance and age-appropriate information. They also need to know that their changing body remains worthy of respect.

Just as importantly, continue reinforcing that they can tell you about an uncomfortable interaction with anyone, including someone you know, love or trust.

Avoid teaching children that certain adults are automatically above suspicion or that speaking about an adult is disrespectful. If your child tells you that someone made them uncomfortable, try to make your first response one that keeps them talking.

Their safety matters more than protecting an adult's feelings, reputation or relationship with your family.

You Are Still You

Puberty can make your body feel like the loudest thing about you. It isn't.

You are still the person who laughs at certain jokes. The person who loves particular songs. The person who is good at drawing, football, Mathematics, dancing, gaming, writing, cooking, cricket or making your friends laugh. You are still discovering what you believe, what you enjoy, who you trust and who you want to become.

Your body will change throughout secondary school. So will many other parts of you.

You don't have to love every change immediately. You don't have to look like your friends. You don't have to develop at the same speed as anyone else. And you don't have to let other people's opinions turn your body into a problem you spend your adolescence trying to solve.

You are growing.

That is not something you need to apologise for.

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First Step Tip

When you catch yourself comparing your body with someone else's, try changing the question.

Instead of asking: “Why don't I look like them?”

Ask: “What does my body need from me today?”

Maybe the answer is food, movement, rest, hygiene, medical care, comfortable clothes or simply a little less criticism.

Your body doesn't need to win a comparison. It needs you to learn how to care for it.

Take the Next Step: Check In With Your Changing Self

Puberty isn't only about what you can see in the mirror. Your emotions, confidence, relationships, privacy needs and the way you think about yourself may be changing too.

Download My Changing-Me Wellbeing Check-In, a guided reflection designed to help you notice how you're feeling about the changes you're experiencing, recognise what is making you feel confident or self-conscious, think about what your body needs and identify the people you can talk to when you have questions or need support.

You'll also have space to think about comparison, boundaries, self-talk and one thing you can do to care for yourself as you grow.

Download My Changing-Me Wellbeing Check-In →

My Changing Me Wellbeing Check-In.pdf

Download PDF • 287KB

Food for Thought

Growing up can make you feel as though everybody is watching. But your body is not a performance. It doesn't have to develop on anyone else's schedule, look like someone else's body or earn anyone's approval.

Your job isn't to become comfortable for everyone else to look at. It is to learn how to live in your changing body with care, boundaries and respect.

Affirmation

I give myself permission to grow at my own pace. My changing body is not something I need to hide, compare or apologise for. I will treat myself with care, respect my boundaries and remember that who I am is so much bigger than what anyone sees when they look at me. — Nadia Renata | Audacious Evolution

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This article is part of The First Step Series: Your Guide to Secondary School Transition Success — a collection created to support young people, parents and caregivers through the transition into secondary school.

Next in the series: Pressure, Comparison & When School Gets Hard

Secondary school doesn't only bring more subjects and responsibilities. It can also bring harder work, disappointing grades, competition, parental expectations and the unsettling experience of discovering that something which once came easily now requires much more effort.

In the next article, we explore academic pressure, comparison, perfectionism and setbacks, and how young people can learn to respond when school gets difficult without deciding that difficulty means they aren't capable.

Continue to Article 5: Pressure, Comparison & When School Gets Hard →

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