Boundaries, Bullying, Online Behaviour And Speaking Up
- Nadia Renata
- 1 day ago
- 12 min read
Secondary school gives you more independence.
You may travel to and from school without a parent. You spend more time with friends. You meet older students. You join clubs, teams and activities. You have group chats your parents aren't part of. You may spend more time online, and there are parts of your day that the adults at home simply don't see.
Most of that growing independence can be exciting. But it also means learning something important:
What do I do when someone treats me in a way that makes me uncomfortable, frightened, embarrassed or unsafe?
Sometimes the answer seems obvious. If someone hits you, threatens you or takes your belongings, you probably know something is wrong.
Other situations can be harder to recognise.
What if everyone says they're only joking?
What if the person is your friend?
What if an older student says everyone in Form 1 has to go through it?
What if something happens in a group chat and everybody else is laughing?
What if you said no, but the person keeps asking?
What if you're worried that telling will make everything worse?
Learning to speak up doesn't mean you have to become fearless. It means learning that you do not have to wait until something becomes unbearable before you are allowed to ask for help.
Conflict and Bullying Are Not Always the Same Thing
People disagree. Friends argue. Someone may say something rude when they're angry. You may fall out with someone and make up later. Not every unpleasant interaction is bullying.
Bullying generally involves behaviour intended to hurt, frighten, humiliate or exclude someone, particularly when it happens repeatedly or there is an imbalance of power that makes it difficult for the person being targeted to defend themselves.
That power may come from physical size or strength. It may come from age, popularity, social status, being part of a larger group or having information, photos or something else that could be used against another person.
Bullying can include:
Hitting, pushing or other physical aggression
Threats and intimidation
Insults, name-calling or repeated teasing
Spreading rumours
Deliberately excluding someone
Taking, hiding or damaging belongings
Humiliating someone in front of others
Repeatedly targeting someone because of their appearance, race, religion, disability, family circumstances or another characteristic
Using social media or messaging apps to embarrass, threaten or isolate someone
You don't need to work out whether something officially qualifies as “bullying” before you tell someone. If something is happening and you need help, ask for help.
“We're Just Joking”
Sometimes hurtful behaviour comes disguised as humour.
Someone gives you a nickname you hate. People make jokes about your body, accent, family, skin, hair, religion, grades or something embarrassing that happened.
You ask them to stop.
They don't.
Then when you become upset:
“Relax.”
“You too sensitive.”
“Is only joke.”
“Everybody laughing.”
Whether everybody else is laughing isn't the only thing that matters. Friends tease each other sometimes. People misunderstand where another person's boundary is. Someone may genuinely think something is funny without realising it has hurt you.
What matters is what happens when you say you don't like it.
A person who respects you should be able to hear: “Stop. I don't like that.”
Calling something a joke doesn't give someone permission to keep doing it after they know it is hurting you.
Older Students Don't Get Special Permission
Starting Form 1 means suddenly being among students who may be several years older than you.
Most older students will simply go about their own lives. Some may be helpful. But sometimes younger students are told they have to prove themselves, complete tasks, hand over belongings, tolerate humiliation or participate in some kind of initiation because: “Everybody had to do it.”
Sometimes this is dismissed as tradition. That doesn't automatically make it harmless.
You do not have to accept being frightened, hurt, humiliated, touched, forced to do something, made to give someone money or belongings, or pressured into dangerous behaviour because somebody calls it initiation.
Someone else having experienced it before you doesn't mean it needs to continue with you.
Boundaries Are About More Than Touch
When we talk about boundaries, people often think about physical contact. That's part of it. But boundaries can also involve your privacy, possessions, emotions, time and digital life.
You may have a boundary around someone borrowing your things without asking.
You may not want a friend reading your private messages.
You may not want to talk about something personal.
You may not want someone posting a photo of you.
You may not want to be hugged or touched.
You may not want to share your password.
You may not want to participate in a joke that makes somebody else uncomfortable.
You may not want to answer a personal question.
You are allowed to have boundaries even when other people don't understand them. And other people are allowed to have boundaries that are different from yours.
Learning boundaries isn't only learning how to say no. It is also learning how to hear someone else's no.
Your “No” Doesn't Need a Better Explanation
Sometimes saying no is easy. Sometimes it isn't.
You may worry about hurting someone's feelings. You may be afraid they'll stop being your friend. You may think you'll look childish. You may freeze and not know what to say. You may say no softly and the person keeps pushing.
“Why?”
“Come on.”
“Everybody else doing it.”
“Don't be boring.”
“If you were really my friend, you would.”
Sometimes pressure doesn't sound threatening. Sometimes it sounds persuasive. You are allowed to say:
“No.”
“I don't want to.”
“Stop.”
“I'm not comfortable with that.”
“Don't touch me.”
“Don't post that.”
“I'm leaving.”
You don't have to produce an argument convincing enough for the other person to approve of your boundary.
The Rules Don't Change Because You Know the Person
Sometimes children are taught to be careful around strangers, but uncomfortable or harmful behaviour doesn't only come from strangers.
A boundary can be crossed by a friend. A classmate. An older student. A boyfriend or girlfriend. A teacher. A coach. A neighbour. A relative. A family friend. Someone you like. Someone your family trusts. Someone who has been kind to you before.
Knowing someone does not give them permission to ignore your boundaries. Neither does liking them. And caring about someone doesn't mean you have to protect them from the consequences of something they have done to you.
This applies whether you are a girl or a boy. Boys can also experience unwanted touching, sexual comments, harassment, coercion and abuse. Being male does not mean you are supposed to want sexual attention, tolerate behaviour that makes you uncomfortable, fight someone off or handle the situation by yourself. If something feels wrong, you have the same right to say no, leave and ask for help.
If someone touches you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, makes sexual comments towards you, asks to see private parts of your body, shows you sexual material, pressures you for photographs or videos, asks you to keep uncomfortable secrets, or continues sexual or romantic behaviour after you have said no, tell a trusted adult.
You do not have to decide whether it was “serious enough” first.
Your Phone Can Bring School Home With You
Years ago, a difficult day at school might have ended when a child reached home. Now the school day can follow you into your bedroom.
Group chats. Screenshots. Voice notes. Comments. Memes. Photos. Videos. Fake accounts. Rumours. Someone can embarrass another student at 10:30 at night while dozens of classmates watch from their phones.
Cyberbullying can include posting humiliating content, sharing private messages, spreading rumours, repeatedly sending abusive messages, deliberately excluding someone from online spaces, impersonating someone or encouraging others to pile onto a person.
And sometimes people do things online they would never say standing in front of someone. A screen doesn't make the harm less real.
Before You Post, Forward or Screenshot
You don't have to be the person who created something harmful to help it spread.
Maybe someone posts an embarrassing photo. You forward it.
Someone shares a private voice note. You send it to another group.
Someone is being mocked. You add a laughing emoji.
It can feel like a small action but to the person at the centre of it, every share can make the humiliation bigger.
Before you send something involving another person, ask yourself:
Is this mine to share?
Could this embarrass or hurt them?
Would I send it if they were standing beside me?
And remember, once you send something digitally, you may lose control over where it goes next.
If Someone Asks You for a Photo You Don't Want to Send
You do not owe anyone a photograph or video of your body.
Not because they like you. Not because you're dating. Not because they sent you one first. Not because they promise they'll delete it. Not because they say everybody does it. And not because they threaten to stop talking to you if you refuse.
If someone is pressuring you to send an intimate or sexual image, tell a trusted adult. If you have already sent something and now regret it, tell someone anyway.
Fear of getting into trouble can make young people hide situations until they become much harder to manage. You deserve help even if you made a decision you now wish you hadn't.
Speaking Up Is Not the Same as “Snitching”
One of the strongest rules among young people can be: Don't snitch.
Nobody wants to be the person who tells. You may worry about being labelled. You may fear retaliation. You may think everyone will stop trusting you. But there is a difference between trying to get someone into trouble for the sake of it and asking for help because someone is being harmed, threatened or made unsafe.
If someone is being bullied, assaulted, threatened, sexually harassed, extorted, repeatedly humiliated or otherwise harmed, telling an adult isn't betrayal. It is seeking help.
Silence protects harmful behaviour far more often than it protects the person being harmed.
What If It Isn't Happening to You?
Sometimes you won't be the person being targeted. You'll be watching. And that can be uncomfortable too.
You might want to help but be afraid the attention will turn to you. You do not have to put yourself in danger to prove you're a good person. You don't have to physically confront someone. But there may be safer things you can do.
Don't join in.
Don't forward the photo.
Don't add the laughing emoji.
Don't spread the rumour.
Check on the person privately.
Sit with them.
Walk with them to a teacher.
Save information that may help show what happened.
Tell a trusted adult.
Sometimes the most important thing you can say to someone who is being targeted is: “I saw what happened. You didn't deserve that. I'll come with you if you want to tell someone.”
Keep the Evidence When It Is Safe to Do So
When something happens online, your first instinct may be to delete it because you don't want to look at it anymore. But screenshots, messages, usernames, dates and other information can sometimes help adults understand what has been happening.
Where it is safe and appropriate, keep evidence.
Don't keep engaging with the person simply to collect more.
Don't threaten them with what you've saved.
Don't spread the evidence to friends.
Show it to a trusted adult who can help you decide what to do next.
If you are in immediate danger, your priority is getting somewhere safe, not documenting what is happening.
What If the First Adult Doesn't Help?
You tell someone. And they say:
“Just ignore them.”
“That's how children behave.”
“Fight back.”
“Maybe you're being too sensitive.”
Or nothing changes. That can make you feel as though speaking up was pointless. It wasn't.
Tell someone else.
Another teacher. A dean. A guidance counsellor. A parent or caregiver. Another trusted adult. School administration. Keep telling until somebody takes the situation seriously and helps you figure out what needs to happen next.
Asking once isn't the maximum number of times you're allowed to seek help.
Parents and Caregivers: Your First Reaction Matters
One of the best things you can give your child is the belief that they can tell you uncomfortable things. That belief is built long before something serious happens.
If your child tells you about bullying, inappropriate messages, unwanted touching, pressure from another student or something disturbing online, you may feel angry, frightened or ready to march straight into the school. Those feelings are understandable.
But first: Listen.
Try not to begin with:
“Why didn't you tell me before?”
“Why were you talking to them?”
“Why did you send that?”
“What did you do to make them target you?”
“I told you about those friends.”
If the first conversation becomes an interrogation, your child may decide that next time silence is safer.
That doesn't mean there should never be consequences for poor decisions or conversations about safer choices. It means help comes first.
Find out what happened. Ask what your child needs. Keep relevant records. Contact the appropriate people at the school where necessary. Escalate persistent or serious situations rather than assuming your child simply needs to toughen up. And if another person has crossed a serious boundary with your child, remember: Your child's safety is more important than avoiding embarrassment, protecting somebody's reputation or preserving a relationship with the person involved.
If you have a son, don't assume your son will automatically tell you if something sexual or inappropriate has happened to him. Boys may worry that they won't be believed, that they will be laughed at, that they should have been able to stop it or that admitting they were uncomfortable somehow says something about their masculinity. Make sure your sons know that the same rules about safety, consent and asking for help apply to them.
You Don't Have to Handle Everything Yourself
Growing more independent doesn't mean becoming responsible for solving every difficult situation alone.
Knowing when to handle a disagreement yourself is part of growing up. So is knowing when something has moved beyond an ordinary disagreement and you need help.
If you feel unsafe, frightened or trapped, someone is threatening or hurting you, sexual behaviour is involved, someone is demanding money or belongings, or the situation keeps happening despite your attempts to stop it, bring in an adult.
If there is immediate danger, get to a safe place and seek urgent help from a trusted adult or emergency service.
You are not weak because something became too big to manage alone.
Speaking Up Is a Skill
You may not always know immediately that a boundary has been crossed. Sometimes you realise later.
You might laugh when something happens because you're uncomfortable.
You might freeze.
You might go along with something and regret it afterwards.
You might spend three days wondering whether you're making too much of it.
That doesn’t mean you have lost your right to speak.
You can tell someone later.
You can change your mind.
You can say something made you uncomfortable even if you didn't say so at the time.
You can ask for help before you have figured out exactly what kind of help you need.
Growing up isn't learning to tolerate everything people throw at you. Part of growing up is learning what you are allowed to protect. Your safety. Your privacy. Your dignity. Your body. Your boundaries. And your right to speak when something doesn't feel right.
First Step Tip
You don't have to begin by asking: “Is this bad enough to tell someone?”
Try asking: “Do I feel safe handling this by myself?”
If the answer is no, uncertain, or I don't know, talk to someone you trust. You are allowed to ask for help before a situation becomes unbearable.
Take the Next Step: Create Your Speak-Up And Safety Plan
It can be difficult to think clearly when something uncomfortable or frightening is already happening.
Download My Speak-Up And Safety Plan, a practical guide designed to help you recognise when a boundary may have been crossed, think about what you can do safely and identify the people you can turn to for support.
You'll create your own support list, think through what information may be useful to keep, practise words you can use when you need to speak up and make a backup plan for what to do if the first person you tell doesn't help.
Because asking for help shouldn't begin with figuring everything out alone.
Download My Speak-Up And Safety Plan →
Food for Thought
Sometimes courage is walking away. Sometimes it is saying no. Sometimes it is refusing to laugh when everybody else is laughing. Sometimes it is saving the screenshot. Sometimes it is sitting beside someone who has been left alone. And sometimes courage is telling another person:
“Something happened, and I need help.”
Speaking up doesn't always feel brave while you're doing it. That doesn't make it any less courageous.
Affirmation
I have the right to feel safe, respected and heard. I can trust myself when something feels wrong, set boundaries, walk away and ask for help. I do not have to handle everything alone, and I will keep speaking until someone listens.
— Nadia Renata | Audacious Evolution
This article is part of The First Step Series: Your Guide to Secondary School Transition Success — a collection created to support young people, parents and caregivers through the transition into secondary school.
Next in the series: Becoming More Independent Without Going It Alone
As secondary school continues, young people are often given more freedom and expected to take greater responsibility for themselves. But independence isn't the same as having to figure everything out alone.
In the final article of this series, we explore responsibility, trust, privacy, decision-making and asking for help as young people begin taking greater ownership of their lives while staying connected to the people who support them.
Continue to Article 7: Becoming More Independent Without Going It Alone →
Enjoyed reading this and want more from Audacious Evolution?
Discover reflections, insights and inspiration across Body, Mind, Spirit and Community.
Comments